The panic spreads

Well my good friend Joe Biden has decided to break free of his handlers at the White House and take the truth straight to the people. Here he is last night getting the message out. Great work, Joe Biden! Folks, if you haven't stocked up on canned goods and bottled water yet, today is the day. Get on it.

Meanwhile, I'm wreaking havoc on the economy of Mexico. Spain is in pain. But the Philadelphia Inquirer says don't panic. (And they wonder why newspapers are all going out of business. Morons.) Obama called the president of Mexico to commiserate about Joe Biden going rogue. Oh, and the first flu patient, at the "ground zero" village in Mexico, says he doesn't want to talk to any more reporters. Apparently he's embarrassed by all the suspicious questions about how much quality time he'd been spending out on in the pig house right before he got sick. Juevon, you should be embarrassed. Watch this space for the full story on how I got out of a pig and slipped into this Mexican dude's bloodstream. And look -- I know what you're thinking. And yeah, you're on the right track. Talk about gross. I was there and saw the whole thing, and though I was happy to be breaking into the human bloodstream, I gotta tell you -- it kind of made me sick. And that's saying something.

My name is "Swine Flu" and I'm not embarrassed to say that

Thank goodness some people have come to their senses and re-established the fact that my name is not "H1N1," as the evil bastards in the meat industry and their political puppets, the World Health Organization, would have you believe. I am born of pig. I have pig genes. I am not ashamed of who I am, or where I come from. And if that hurts the pork industry, well, too bad. Check out this quote:

Another reason the U.S. government wants to ditch the swine label is that many people are afraid to eat pork, hurting the $97 billion U.S. pork industry. "Calling this swine flu, when to date there has been no connection between animals and humans, has the potential to cause confusion," Chris Novak, chief executive officer of the National Pork Board, said in a news release.

By "confusion," I guess what Pig Boy means is that people might start buying less pork. See, that's bad confusion. As opposed to good confusion, which is when you say that pork is "white meat," so that people will confuse pork, which is fatty and bad for you, with chicken, which is lean and good for you. Geddit? My friends, the whole thing is so lame. I mean, at a time like this, with the world in real danger, what are the craven fuckers in the U.S. government worrying about? They're worried about the pork industry. Also, who even knew that there was such a thing as the National Pork Board? And what on earth do they do? Oh wait. That's right. They put a friendly face on what would otherwise be called mass slaughter. Or genocide. Well, here is their website. Go check it out. Write them angry letters. Front page has a big press release about how they are joining the USDA and others in calling me "H1N1." Yeah. I'll bet you're "joining," since you're the ones who paid off the government to dream up this crazy name in the first place. They're also going correcting people who call me by my proper name, which I repeat, for the record, is "Swine Flu." Well, pork Nazis, good luck with that publicity campaign. Let me know how it works out for you. Meanwhile I'm going to get busy mutating my tiny little ass so I can stay a step ahead of the morons who are trying to stamp me out. Oh, and if you want to take a look at Chris Novak, the head of the Pork Board, go here.

Paris Hilton, I will get up inside you and make you mine

Oh, Paris Hilton. You taunt me! You tease me! You say, "I don't eat that." But I will get you, my darling. Oh, I will. I know all about girls like you. Rich spoiled party girls. You like to make me beg, don't you? Then once I have you, you want me to flip you over and make you beg. Okay, little one. I'll play your game. But trust me, I'm getting closer to you all the time. Those fancy shops you visit? Those nightclubs? Somehow I will get past the bouncers and I will be in there, waiting for you. Then I will get up into your intestines and I will make you remember me, puta! You will scream my name! On the corpse of my single-celled grandmother, I swear this is true.

Dear Joe Biden: I'm coming for you next, maricon

Honestly, can't this buffoon manage to go a week without putting his foot in his mouth? This morning he goes on the Today show and says he's told everyone in his family not to fly on planes or ride in a subway or sit in any kind of confined space, because all those places are likely just massive breeding grounds for me. He's right, but still. Now the White House and all the Democrats are flipping out trying to mop up Joe's mess, yet again. This time they're hoping they can keep Bigmouth from singlehandedly shutting down the entire airline industry and all public transportation in the United States. Well, I've already nailed one guy in the Obama administration. And listen up, Joe Biden. I'm coming for you next. I mean it. You can run, but you can't hide. You want to talk smack about how you're going to avoid me? I'll have you bleeding from your butt within a week. You mark my words. You're mine, you big bozo.

Another great idea from our friends at QVC

Check out this wacko in California. Thinks she's pretty clever, right? Apparently they're trying to market these things on QVC or something. Go ahead and buy one if you think it's going to help. Hell, buy two and wear the other one right above your ass. Trust me, it won't do you much good.

Mild? I'll show you mild, ese

So now, just to taunt me, they're going around saying I'm not that bad after all. I'm "mild," is how they put it. Money quote:

Scientists studying the virus are coming to the consensus that this hybrid strain of influenza -- at least in its current form -- isn't shaping up to be as fatal as the strains that caused some previous pandemics. In fact, the current outbreak of the H1N1 virus ... may not even do as much damage as the run-of-the-mill flu outbreaks that occur each winter without much fanfare.

Scientists, listen to me on this. Are you trying to make me mad? Is that it? When you say that I can't hold a candle to the 1918 virus, do you not realize that this just makes me more incensed? Oh, and now you're saying that I "lack certain molecular signatures." Ese, are you loco? Do you really want to mess with me like this? I don't think so.

Somehow "N1H1" doesn't have the same ring to it

Call me crazy but I just can't get used to this new name. And frankly I sort of resent this idea that the WHO can just come along and give me some less-scary name as a way to tamp down the panic and to keep the meat industry appeased. Anyway it's too late. Everyone knows my real name. And you shouldn't be eating pork anyway. You know that.