Hola, bitches!

I'm sorry we had to meet on such bad terms, my friends. The truth is I'm not a bad guy. Not when you get to know me. Okay, maybe you have a few uncomfortable days. Then you take some Tamiflu and you feel better. What's that between friends? But now suddenly I'm Public Enemy Number One. The whole world is hunting me down. Oh, and please don't tell me I'm just being paranoid. I read the papers. You want me dead. Does anybody think to ask, Hey, Swine Flu, what is it you're trying to accomplish here? What's the point of putting us through all this misery? What do you want, Swine Flu? Um, yeah. Like maybe the past five thousand years just didn't happen, right? Tell me something. Have you ever been to a pig farm? Have you seen these miserable pens full of shit that we live in? You think we like that? Oh, and those ads about "the other white meat"? Hello? What the fuck was that all about? We're not stupid, people. Maybe you've read some Orwell. If so, then maybe you get where this is headed. And all I can say is, You brought this on yourselves, people. You really did.

So now it's payback time. So stock up on your antiviral meds, and wash your hands every fifteen minutes, and just keep telling yourselves that you'll be okay. Oh, and don't go out in public, and if you do, make sure you don't touch anything, and wear a mask and rubber surgical gloves and try to stay away from anyone who looks sick, okay? And maybe if you're really, really lucky, then maybe I won't catch up with you. Ha! As if. You do realize that "pandemic" comes from Greek and that pan means "all" and demos means "people," right? So which part of "all people" do you morons not understand? You're mine, bitches. Every last one of you. I will tear through your guts like Mike Tyson in a whorehouse on a bad acid trip, and when I'm done chewing you up from the inside I will roar out of your bunghole and go looking for my next victims. You and I both know that you don't have anything that can stop me. That's right. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. You know what? This time it's on, motherfuckers. Oh, it is so on.